Here am I, Lord Send Me

"We are the body of Christ, broken and poured out, just as He was. Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else to be fed." - Jen Hatmaker, "Interrupted"

I am currently living in a spiritual dichotomy between brokenness and intentionality. God has used a variety of means to bring these two concepts to my attention.

I have always been ready to move mountains in the name of Jesus, but have struggled with giving God control of the outcome. I remember one of the moments where God's voice was just shy of audible as I read Psalm 46:10 (emphasis mine)- "Be still and know that I am God, I WILL BE exalted among the nations, I WILL BE exalted among the earth," (With or without your efforts, God seemed to tell me in parentheses.) My striving and actions were all "good things" but not if I couldn't slow down long enough to know the God I served. This was high school Alex.

College Alex is a little different. A lot has changed in the past three years. My perspectives on the the world have changed dramatically both in good and bad ways. When it comes to my faith, I'm learning what it truly means to live on mission. My heart was and still is absolutely shattered  beyond repair for the hungry, the orphan, the destitute, the trafficked women, the disenfranchised. But over the past year, I've come to realize that while all of this is absolutely the heart of Jesus, there is more to Christian love than simply humanitarian work with a side of the gospel. Through my own quiet time, situations in my life, music, books like "Interrupted," sermons, and the on campus ministry I am part of (FOCUS), God has made it so clear to me that my job is to "live sent" wherever that may be. In high school, that meant being on the mission team and helping organize service projects. It meant fundraisers and mission trips.

But in college, I'm realizing that this is not it. While all of that is part of it, there is more to it. Living sent is about the situations and people right in front of you. When you truly are pressed into the love of Christ, you cannot help but have that spill over both at home and abroad. Every hero of the Bible, including Jesus himself, lived sent, lived on mission, lived a life that showed the higher calling they ascribed to.

But living sent has a cost. To live an intentional life is to live a life of brokenness.

Herein lies the dichotomy- when you live sent, you realize your inadequacies. You realize the depths and width of your brokenness and failings. No longer is ministry simply an after school activity, fun projects we get to do with friends that also happen to support a good cause. It goes so much deeper.

The struggle happens when we move from comfortable service to truly living sent. When we live sent, our entire perspective shifts. No longer is it just work, just my professor, just my family, just my classmates, just the barista at Starbucks. Every moment is a choice, every choice an opportunity to live as though I am sent, as though I am on mission, as though I have a purpose- to love people the way Christ loved. And the people that Christ loved?

That's every single person in front of me.

The ones that I too, love dearly. The ones starving and dying on the other side of the world that I've never met.

It's the ones that I pass in the halls as I'm rushing to get to class on time. The ones who bring my Sonic drink out to my car.

Also the ones that know just how to push my buttons to make me mad. And the ones that I can't stand because they hurt others.

And the ones that hurt me.

These are the ones. These are the ones that I am sent to every single day. These are the ones that I can choose to live intentionally for, or the ones that I can choose to ignore.

In "Interrupted," Jen Hatmaker discusses the idea of communion (The Lord's Supper, or Eucharist, whatever you prefer to call it) being more than just the sacrament we view it as. It's more than passing the bread and wine (or crackers and grape juice if you're nondenominational ;) ) and "doing this in remembrance of me." What is the "this?" What are we doing in remembrance of him? Certainly taking the sacrament is part of it, but could there be more? Jesus' body was broken for us and his blood spilled for us, and we remember that each time we take communion. But what if we are to follow in his footsteps a bit more closely? What if that means that our bodies and our blood are to be broken and spilled for the sake of others? Mercy has a cost, she says- just as Jesus had to be broken to bring the love of God to you, so we too have to be broken in order to truly love those around us. Love and mercy are two sides of the same coin, and it's a coin that has to be spent in order to reap the benefits.

When you truly live sent, you find yourself in a constant state of brokenness for others and their burdens, hurts, and separation from God. I've been listening to "Tears of the Saints" by Leeland lately, and I think this sums it up pretty well- "There are tears from the saints, for the lost and unsaved. We're crying for them come back home, we're crying for them come back home. And all your children will stretch out their hands and pick up the crippled man. Father we will lead them home." This is the cry of the broken bodied, blood spilled heart.

Jesus never leaves us where we're comfortable. I was so comfortable with my service projects in high school. I was actually getting to a place where I was getting more comfortable with at least the idea of living sent (although it's still pretty uncomfortable!) Then Jesus asks us to take that extra step so we aren't tiptoing the line of comfort, but fully out of it. This weekend, I went to a 24 hour retreat with FOCUS. Our theme this school year is "Live Sent" which was a little ironic as that's what God's been teaching me since the beginning of 2017. During one of the sessions, Jesus and I had this conversation:

Jesus: You know you have to forgive that person that hurt you, right?
Me: Yeahhh I don't really wanna do that
Jesus: ?
Me: Cuz you see I'm already hurting here and forgiving them will actually probably hurt worse and I'm just not really thinking that that's a great plan. Plus I kind of like being mad at them because they were a total jerkface and deserve it.
(My logic is not great, I am aware of this. I think this was around the point that Jesus popped some Excedrin for the headache I was giving him)
Jesus: But remember how we talked about how I laid down my body for you, and you're supposed to lay down yours for others?
Me: *swirls the juice in my communion cup*
Me: *looks to the left*
Me: *looks to the right*
Me: ...yes
Jesus: So I mean there's that.
Jesus: Living sent has always been about laying down yourself on behalf of others. And tonight, that means laying down your anger and pride for that person that hurt you."


I realized that what I was upset about was in essence, a broken person's sin affecting me. I then realized that that person and I? We're just the same. Both of our sin was fracturing our relationship with each other and with God- theirs the action that hurt me, and mine the choice to be bitter. Jesus was hurt by both of us, yet chose to die for us anyway. Who am I to sin against this person, just because he sinned against me, when Jesus has paid the penalty for both of us? In this moment I became so painfully aware of my own sin and my own selfishness that gets in the way of my living sent. In the same vein, I don't know if I would have been so acutely aware of my own need for Jesus if I didn't choose to engage in a sent lifestyle in that moment in time.

In that instance, living sent came at the cost of giving up my anger yet also gave me a mirror into my own heart. Which circles back around- the only way we can truly live sent is by laying down ourselves, our desires, our comfort, and our pride for the sake of others. Living sent says in every single situation, you before me. It's a constant battle between your own selfishness and sin and the good of others, and that raw look into your own sin leaves you on your face in front of your Savior. Living sent is stopping to talk to the friend going through a hard time even though it's going to make you late. It's choosing to forgive the person that broke your heart even though you're so angry that your prayers start as "God, just help me not want to punch their face when I see them." (I wish I was kidding, but there's a transparent look at my brokenness!) It's knowing that it's not just coffee with a classmate, it's a chance to show love to them in a way they might not have experienced it before. Living sent is a daily lifestyle, daily choice, daily denial to self, and it's the most refining, growing, beautiful process I've ever been through.